Throughout my life I've been somewhat of an overachiever. As the oldest my of siblings, I have always felt the need to always be the example in many ways. If I didn't feel like I lived up to that example I was very hard on myself. When I made mistakes in my life I would internally have a pity party for myself, while on the outside I would remain the same. My parents and my siblings never set expectations for me. They only loved me for who I was, in that very moment. Sure they were disappointed in me at times but just like my heavenly father, they loved me despite my failings and actually embraced me more because of them. I feel extremely lucky to have had this for my life.
But despite having these wonderful people around me daily I always wanted to reach higher. I consider myself fairly intelligent, although if you know me well and are reading this you know I have my moments where common sense isn't so apparent, but I've always had to work hard for everything. In school I had to study very hard to make B's and C's but I graduated college, twice. In my job I've had to take risks but I climbed the ladder. In my relationships I've had to love with all my heart but I have good relationships. If life threw me a curve ball then I only had to work harder or love more and eventually I could achieve what it was that I thought I needed to be. This was the primary way I lived my life for the first thirty years or so with much disappointment and a secret constant need for approval.
Then I turned thirty. I found myself content for the first time. I had two children and a husband that loved me dearly for who I was, in that very moment. I make daily mistakes trying to be the best parent and wife that I can be but even through the mistakes I still feel good enough and no more pity parties. In my job I now find that my satisfaction doesn't come from being the leader but of connecting with my co-workers and my community and learning from them how I could be better and make my community better. I now feel like I don't have to reach higher to be an example. The example has done a switcheroo. I looked at my children and their childlike faith and better understood the meaning of God's Grace. Something I had studied for years that always baffled my mind and my heart. Really, how could God love me as much as I loved him? But then I had children. As a parent, it was suddenly more clear. And I realized that my example had been there all along. That I claimed with my lips that I followed Jesus but actually I was following myself or what I thought I had to be.
So now I am thirty-something and I no longer have a yearning to be the example...I no longer yearn to reach higher. I feel free to make mistakes, accept the fact that I made them, say I'm sorry, ask forgiveness and know that it will happen again. I've learned that in relationships love has to replace expectations. That everyone has somehow been broken and no amount of earthly love can fix it but love them anyway. That everyone just wants to know that they matter. I know this because instead of being fearful that I'm somehow not good enough, God has shown me that I am. That actually I'm being very self absorbed when I don't accept this truth. I recently read a book by Brennan Manning call The Ragamuffin Gospel. In the book, there is a chapter called "The Second Call". It was almost as if Brennan was talking directly to me to explain the things I had been feeling...
Many people between the ages of thirty and sixty , whatever their stature in the community and whatever their personal achievements, undergo what can truly be called a second journey.
A man can have piled up an impressive portfolio of dollars and honors, get his name in the Who's Who, and then wake up one morning asking, "Is it all worth it?" Competent teachers, nurses and clergy can reach the top only to discover that the job no longer fascinates; there is nowhere higher to go. They find themselves terrified of stagnation and asking, "Should I switch careers? Would returning to work help?"
Gail Sheehy's second journey began at thirty five when she was covering a story in northern Ireland. She was standing next to a young man when a bullet blew off his face. On that bloody Sunday in Londonerry, she felt herself confronted with death and with what she called "the arithmetic of life." She suddenly realized, "No one is with me. No one keeps me safe. There is no one who won't ever leave me alone." Bloody Sunday threw Gail Sheehy off balance and flung at her a barrage of painful questions about her ultimate purpose and values.
It need not be a bullet that initiates a second journey. A thirty five year old wife learns of her husbands infidelity. A forty year old company director finds that making money seems absurd. A forty five year old journalist gets smashed up in a car accident. However it happens, such people feel confused and even lost. They can no longer keep life in working order. They are dragged away from chosen and cherished patterns to face strange crisis. This is their second journey.
Second journeys usually end quietly with a new wisdom and a coming to a true sense of self that releases great power. The wisdom is that of an adult who has regained equilibrium, stabilized, and found fresh purpose and new dreams. It is a wisdom that gives some things up, lets some things die, and accepts human limitations. It is a wisdom that realizes: I cannot expect anyone to understand me fully. It is wisdom that admits the inevitability of old age and death. It is a wisdom that has faced the pain caused by parents, spouse, family, friends, colleagues, business associates, and has truly forgiven them and acknowledged with unexpected compassion that these people are neither angels nor devils, but only human.
So do yourself a favor. Release yourself and be free. Free to make mistakes...free to run and fall down...free to love with a capacity that you've never known...free to believe that you matter, and so does everyone else! Freedom is a gift that we really didn't deserve but something that God gave to us anyway. Accept it now.
I am a thirty five year old who no longer yearns to over achieve. I am good enough just the way God made me. This is my second journey. Let the wisdom begin...
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