Thirty something...

Throughout my life I've been somewhat of an overachiever.  As the oldest my of siblings, I have always felt the need to always be the example in many ways.  If I didn't feel like I lived up to that example I was very hard on myself.  When I made mistakes in my life I would internally have a pity party for myself, while on the outside I would remain the same.  My parents and my siblings never set expectations for me.  They only loved me for who I was, in that very moment.  Sure they were disappointed in me at times but just like my heavenly father, they loved me despite my failings and actually embraced me more because of them.  I feel extremely lucky to have had this for my life.

But despite having these wonderful people around me daily I always wanted to reach higher.  I consider myself fairly intelligent, although if you know me well and are reading this you know I have my moments where common sense isn't so apparent, but I've always had to work hard for everything.  In school I had to study very hard to make B's and C's but I graduated college, twice.  In my job I've had to take risks but I climbed the ladder.  In my relationships I've had to love with all my heart but I have good relationships.  If life threw me a curve ball then I only had to work harder or love more and eventually I could achieve what it was that I thought I needed to be.  This was the primary way I lived my life for the first thirty years or so with much disappointment and a secret constant need for approval.

Then I turned thirty.  I found myself content for the first time.  I had two children and a husband that loved me dearly for who I was, in that very moment.  I make daily mistakes trying to be the best parent and wife that I can be but even through the mistakes I still feel good enough and no more pity parties.  In my job I now find that my satisfaction doesn't come from being the leader but of connecting with my co-workers and my community and learning from them how I could be better and make my community better.  I now feel like I don't have to reach higher to be an example.  The example has done a switcheroo.  I looked at my children and their childlike faith and better understood the meaning of God's Grace.  Something I had studied for years that always baffled my mind and my heart.  Really, how could God love me as much as I loved him?  But then I had children.  As a parent, it was suddenly more clear. And I realized that my example had been there all along.  That I claimed with my lips that I followed Jesus but actually I was following myself or what I thought I had to be. 

So now I am thirty-something and I no longer have a yearning to be the example...I no longer yearn to reach higher.  I feel free to make mistakes, accept the fact that I made them, say I'm sorry, ask forgiveness and know that it will happen again.  I've learned that in relationships love has to replace expectations.  That everyone has somehow been broken and no amount of earthly love can fix it but love them anyway.  That everyone just wants to know that they matter.  I know this because instead of being fearful that I'm somehow not good enough, God has shown me that I am.  That actually I'm being very self absorbed when I don't accept this truth.  I recently read a book by Brennan Manning call The Ragamuffin Gospel.  In the book, there is a chapter called "The Second Call".  It was almost as if Brennan was talking directly to me to explain the things I had been feeling...

Many people between the ages of thirty and sixty , whatever their stature in the community and whatever their personal achievements, undergo what can truly be called a second journey.


A man can have piled up an impressive portfolio of dollars and honors, get his name in the Who's Who, and then wake up one morning asking, "Is it all worth it?"  Competent teachers, nurses and clergy can reach the top only to discover that the job no longer fascinates; there is nowhere higher to go.  They find themselves terrified of stagnation and asking, "Should I switch careers?  Would returning to work help?"


Gail Sheehy's second journey began at thirty five when she was covering a story in northern Ireland.  She was standing next to a young man when a bullet blew off his face.  On that bloody Sunday in Londonerry, she felt herself confronted with death and with what she called "the arithmetic of life."  She suddenly realized, "No one is with me.  No one keeps me safe.  There is no one who won't ever leave me alone."  Bloody Sunday threw Gail Sheehy off balance and flung at her a barrage of painful questions about her ultimate purpose and values.


It need not be a bullet that initiates a second journey.  A thirty five year old wife learns of her husbands infidelity.  A forty year old company director finds that making money seems absurd.  A forty five year old journalist gets smashed up in a car accident.  However it happens, such people feel confused and even lost.  They can no longer keep life in working order.  They are dragged away from chosen and cherished patterns to face strange crisis.  This is their second journey.


Second journeys usually end quietly with a new wisdom and a coming to a true sense of self that releases great power.  The wisdom is that of an adult who has regained equilibrium, stabilized, and found fresh purpose and new dreams.  It is a wisdom that gives some things up, lets some things die, and accepts human limitations.  It is a wisdom that realizes:  I cannot expect anyone to understand me fully.  It is wisdom that admits the inevitability of old age and death.  It is a wisdom that has faced the pain caused by parents, spouse, family, friends, colleagues, business associates, and has truly forgiven them and acknowledged with unexpected compassion that these people are neither angels nor devils, but only human.


So do yourself a favor.  Release yourself and be free.  Free to make mistakes...free to run and fall down...free to love with a capacity that you've never known...free to believe that you matter, and so does everyone else!  Freedom is a gift that we really didn't deserve but something that God gave to us anyway.  Accept it now.

I am a thirty five year old who no longer yearns to over achieve.  I am good enough just the way God made me.  This is my second journey.  Let the wisdom begin...

Cleaning of the fish...

Yesterday my DH informed me he was going fishing for the day.  It's the first of January here in Oklahoma and really really cold.  DH loves to fish, obviously.  I think he is crazy because not only is it cold while standing, imagine how cold it is while riding down the lake in a bass boat at 70 mph?  Insane I tell you! But I love the fact that he has a hobby that he loves and the perk of being married to a fisherman means we get to eat fresh fish all year long!  Yay for freshly fried fish in a cast iron skillet!  So I instructed him (just part of my wifely job people) to bring some home for us to eat this week.  He came home with ten fish to fillet.  He also caught a whopper Bass yesterday!  Here is a pic of my sexy man and the bass...this was thrown back...no eatin' these trophy fishies!

Usually the filleting or "cleaning" of the fish is done outside but because it was so cold I told DH he could do it in the house.  He started in cleaning the fish and I told him I wanted to learn and clean an entire fish all by myself.  I've seen people clean fish my entire life.  Some of my most favorite memories are of my Papa J cleaning catfish we would catch during the Summer.  But I never really watched with the intent of learning and never asked if I could try.  I think a lot of this happens today with our children.  We assume they wouldn't be interested, when in fact they are craving to learn these most basic things.  I wished I would had asked my Papa J to show me how to clean a fish...I wish I would had asked my Nannie P to show me how to crochet.  I did learn to grow things from my Papa J and I learned to cook from my Mom and my Granny B but there are so many things that I didn't learn and now are lost, frankly because I didn't ask.  One of my New Year's resolutions is to learn more of these things and to ask my friends and family to teach me, tell me stories of how they learned and listen with all my heart.  I want to learn to preserve food (canning, drying, etc.) and to sew (all I can do is sew on a button).  My Granny F knows how to do these things and I am going to ask her to show me.  Hopefully she will oblige.  I'm certain she will because she loves me ;)  Also I am going to be better about teaching my kids these important things, even if they don't ask.  I have this fear that my kids will learn nothing and grow up to depend on other people to feed them.  And what scares me even more is that it probably would be me!  Don't get me wrong, I adore my kids and I love to cook and feed them but someday I want them to grow up...move out and feed themselves!  I know you must be thinking how awful that sounds but I do want them to be self sufficient someday. I do not want them living with me when they are forty! I especially want my DS to learn how to cook, clean and even sew. I would be doing my future DIL a huge favor.  Your welcome future DIL!

So here is a video of how to clean a bass.  This is basically how my DH showed me.  I am happy to report that I successfully cleaned my very first fish.  Here are a few things I thought were important while doing this...

• Use a very sharp knife (ours need to be sharpened in a bad way)
• Get your fingers and hand out of the way (there is enough blood from the fish...your own blood is not needed)
• Don't drink too much beer before you do this (sharp knives and beer might not be a super great thing but this beer is a super great thing.  It's my new favorite beer...sorry that's a little random)
• If your fish is still alive while you do this you may feel bad during the process but on the other hand killing your fish beforehand will make you feel equally as bad.  The point is just make sure you have a good hold on your fish while you clean it and try not to feel bad about killing it

Tonight when I coat these babies in cornmeal and fry them up I will feel good that my sexy boyscout...aka my DH caught these fish with his bare hands...I mean his fishin' pole.  I will feel good that DH and I both cleaned them ourselves and my kids watched us and knew that the fish died for their meal (I'm hoping they will appreciate it more and not be so wasteful).  As the "Executive Chef" of the Kimble Ponderosa, I will take special care to cook them well and when my family and I eat them, they will taste extra special because they are fresh, they were handled and cooked with care. I will feel good because I didn't buy these at the grocery store...that they weren't frozen and shipped from God knows where and as soon as my kids can handle knives I will show them how to do it themselves! 

Thank you sweet fishies for my dinner tonight...your death was not in vain...

Jules